Any Love

The best way I know how to be truly impactful in my work and relationships is to be all in-- to wrap myself completely in a thing or person, often finding myself unsatisfied and, if I am being frank, disappointed in the process. Some years ago, I realized this was happening because I expect everyone to operate this way and wisely; they don't. When I come back out on the other side of pouring all of myself out, I often have to rearrange my parts and figure out what is missing and perhaps what might never be found again. I'm in that place right now. This time, it was work that I let consume me. I don't regret it entirely—it was the only way I knew how to move from what felt like a metaphoric career puddle to open and flowing waters. It was not the only way.

When I look back over my life, this recurring pattern goes back to childhood. "I hope your friends are as good to you as you are to them," my grandmother often said as she watched me move some mountain to show up for a friend. I now understand this warning wasn't about my friends but about me repeatedly over-committing my energy. I've done it with everything (and one) I've ever truly loved. Overplaying (for better or worse) my role for some short or long period. When I started writing this, I read these words back, and I wept. I'm afraid that I won't be seen or loved if I don't let the things and people I love consume me. Whew. Ok, that sucked to say, but my project is about holistic leadership healing, and I am, unfortunately, my case study. My deepest desire is to be loved and valued, and sometimes I set myself ablaze so that someone might see me and be drawn to my warmth, never mind the raging fire. We often repeat the patterns of our personal lives in our professional lives. The next chapter I'm embarking on is partly about putting the fire out and rearranging the pieces. Hopefully, this time, I will understand that I don't have to pour myself out completely or set on fire for my impact to be felt. I am reminding myself daily that I am worthy of all the good things, even in a season when I have less to give and need to pour alot more of my goodness into myself.

So if I say no, you should be proud.

Essay 3