Why Would I Stop?

My junior year in college brought me to the first significant understanding that others see me as someone who can persevere. How did this come about? The fraternity of my college "sweetheart" bestowed upon me the Perseverance Award. How interesting. I naively thought it was an award for my ability to deal with other people's bull. Did they give me this engraved plaque to make up for their fraternity brothers' callous treatment of my heart? What else did they know? What was hiding beneath the surface, adding fuel to my misunderstanding of this award is that I had a treasure trove of secrets that I hid meticulously to protect the image of a life many on the surface saw as shiny and lucky, an image I also needed to convince myself was my whole truth. Had I been hiding in plain sight?

So what was it they thought I had persevered? Did they know more about me than I wanted known? Did I come off as tarnished, as someone who needed buffing? I pondered over that award for years, never bold enough to ask them why they chose me for that honor. Decades have passed since that moment, and that girl version of myself, and I can proudly tell you I know why now. I am one of the resilient, baby! If you take anything away from my life, know I am resilient beyond my capacity and understanding. I refuse to give up on myself, even when that has seemed to be the logical next step (it's never the logical step). The walls of my self-belief have closed in on me more times than I care to remember, and every time I've emerged from that place, I'm more grounded in myself and my purpose and more prepared for the race ahead.

The thing I can always hang my hat on is that something has my back. Someone(s) out in that unseen universe is in love with me, and when I can't seem to love myself back into myself, they step in and hold me while once again (and again...and again) I lose my way and yet again find my way back. I refuse to give up on me because they refuse to give up on me. In the words of our brilliant ancestor, Toni Morrison, I am "my best thing." It took me years and will take me years more to understand this fully. Nothing can stop me from falling into my North Star for this life. Still, as the world becomes more uneven under my feet, as it seems the more I learn, the less I know, I rest assured that I will never give up on living a life of love and purpose, even when it doesn't make a lick of sense (it always makes sense to bet on love). Even more true is that my perseverance is so deeply rooted and protected that I cannot destroy it. Believe me when I say I've tried. I have myself and my team of unseen miracle workers; what a crew!

We are all unraveling out into the world in pieces. Each string is built through the sands of time, experience, and learning to hold onto what you need and lose what weighs you down. So, I will have to finally admit that the men of that fraternity had it right (I pray none of them see this, as I will never live it down). You never know who is watching you and seeing the parts of you even your eyes have yet to see. You never know what your journey is teaching others.

May your resilience help us all.

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